I think it’s time we spill the beans, expose our perversions, and talk about the ‘F’ word. One of the most commonly used words, second only to love, the realities of this natural human behaviour are usually swept under the carpet (or blanket in our case).
Whatever happens behind closed doors is deemed private and hushed. It becomes ‘the unspoken word.’ We are confused about it and full of questions – are we having too much, too little, too insipid, too wild, too rough, too boring, too kinky? Are we doing it the right way, the wrong way, the ‘Godly’ way? And so on and so forth, it goes on. It’s something we do all the time, yet so rarely talk about – of course we want to know more about it.
But how did we make it so complex? Where did we go so wrong with something so basic, so primal, so essential?
In my country there is a certain stigma attached to enjoying sex, especially for the unmarried, with guilt and shame laying at the heart of it. It is the land of Kamasutra and erotica, of beautiful sexual expression, how did we go so wrong over the years?
Today I was reading an article in the New York Times by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, a contributing member and economist. He revealed some shocking data from Google on sex, documented over the past few years from search queries, that offer fresh insights on socially sensitive issues. The results were revelatory. ‘On Google the top complaint about a marriage is not having sex. Searches for ‘sexless marriage’ are three and a half times more common than ‘unhappy marriage’ and eight times more common than ‘loveless marriage.’ There are 16 times more complaints about a spouse not wanting sex than about a married partner not being willing to talk. Even couples not yet married complain somewhat frequently about lack of sex. Google searches for ‘sexless relationship’ are only second to searches for ‘abusive relationship.’
Having a dysfunctional sex life is more common than we may have thought. And it’s time to talk about it.
The ancients in India believed that sex energy was nothing but a form of creative energy. You could use this energy to procreate, write, paint, make music, or do anything else that was creative. Sex was never seen as a phenomena isolated from other activities. When this energy is in balance, one feels inspired and alive, and one is full of vigour for life. Over the years this energy has been suppressed, and people have been conditioned to adopt new and faulty beliefs. Sex was transformed from an act of love to something darker, something for which one should feel shame. But this dichotomy is unhealthy. Until this stifling veil falls away, we will not be able to live life in all its splendour. Nature is the most beautiful example of abundant creative energy. Today, I invite all of you to disassociate from all the false notions of sex our society perpetuates and which may be causing you stress in the bedroom, and instead to celebrate your sexuality and this magnificent energy. A few tips in kickstarting this journey:
1. Bring Awareness To The Act
Civilisations throughout history have believed in the power of sex and considered it sacred. There are many temples in South East Asia that worship genitalia as a source of powerful creative energy. Bring awareness to this sacred act whenever you practice it. Be aware of all the sensations in your body. How do you feel when your partner feels you in different places? Dwell in every sensation. Feel it with the same intensity as you feel the sun on a hot day, the sand on the beach, the balmy mountain breeze, wet mud on a rainy day. Be the ‘observer.’ Feel the pain, the pleasure, the tensed muscles, the heavy breathing; experience the sounds and the silences. Dwell in the moment of orgasm. Creation was made in this one moment. Don’t let sex be an insipid, habitual, random, or wasted act that one needs to simply get through. Harness your own potential and be amazed at what you find.
2. Create A Space For Love
Much like your library, kitchen, or TV room are spaces dedicated to specific activities, a special corner of your home should be assigned for engaging in the act of love. You could fill this room with incense, candles, oils, cozy blankets, soft cushions or whatever else you associate with this lovemaking. You want this to be a space where you feel relaxed, not tense. Whenever you enter the room, switch off your phone, set aside your worries from the day, and fill your mind with amorous thoughts only. Think of love making as a fulfilling activity. It has great recreational quality, can revitalize you, and can charge every cell in your body, making you feel a lot younger. Recent studies show that people who make love more often look much younger and less jaded than their more abstinent counterparts.
3. Don’t Worry About Performance
Do not overthink sex. This is a very simple act. Rather than learning from pulp magazines, bring more intuitiveness into your love life. You have been fed a lot of nonsense, and its about time to throw that garbage out of your system and depollute your mind. Trust yourself to know how to bring pleasure to yourself and your partner. Observe and learn from what excites your partner. The more awareness you bring into this act, the more you will start enjoying it naturally. Your partner will get more aroused with this awareness and you will be able to climax better. Remove notions of how long it’s supposed to last, what it should be like and what you need to do. Start with the wonder of a child and explore the uncharted territories. Find small delights and pleasures, and let this be your journey.
4. Eliminate Guilt & Shame
Drop the baggage associated with sex -if you still can’t dissociate sex with guilt or overindulgence, start meditating on sex. Believe that pleasure and pain are two faces of the same coin. Nature shows abundance in every way, so let your life be full of abundance too – whether its money, happiness, a career or beautiful long-lasting relationships. Start with love making. Practice it with unbridled passion. This is the only act where you are giving and receiving in the same breath. Practice it with awareness and belief and witness how it transforms other facets of your life.
5. Communicate With Your Partner
The problem is that men often dissociate feelings with sex and women often cannot have sex until they feel emotionally connected to their partners. The trouble: partners do not communicate. They need to get into each other’s shoes more often. Share your desires with your partner, what arouses you, what takes you higher, what ignites your fantasy. Make this union special every time. If you have never tried, try writing your sex fantasies and sharing them with your partner. Don’t shy away from pleasure; there is nothing dirty about it. Bring more love and compassion to your love making. While you respect your partner’s sacred space and vulnerabilities, you can also introduce naughty surprises -create this chemistry with your partner. Forge a special bond with your spouse or lover.
Sex is the celebration of oneness. Every molecule in your body dances with delight in this sacred union. Heightened sexual pleasure will reflect in all of life’s experiences. This is the secret of a fulfilling life, a beautiful relationship. Conscious love making is soul stirring. Practice it with love and awareness. Bring this ecstatic bliss and love into your life. Deepen your sexual understanding through your own experience. Let this be yours and special in every way.